August 7, 2019

Golden v. Platinum Rule

Almost everyone has heard of the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would want done to you.” But not everyone has heard about the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would want done to them.” Because most people tend to follow one rule over the other in trying to live a good life and because I believe we need more “Compassionate Achievers” in the world, I cannot help but wonder: Which rule is better at building compassion? Or to frame it in a more personal way: Who is a more compassionate person…someone who follows the Golden or Platinum Rule? A Platinum Person, I believe, has the compassionate edge for at least three reasons:

(1) Compassion is partially about understanding another’s problem and suffering (the other part of compassion is taking action to address the problem or suffering). The edge in understanding definitely goes to the followers of the Platinum Rule because of their requirement to learn about another’s values and/or cultural background before acting. Before you act in the Platinum Rule, you first seek to understand the values and cultural differences that may be at the heart of what another needs. There is no need for seeking to understand another’s values in the Golden Rule (you do what YOU would want done to YOU) and that leads directly to its second weakness in its compassion comparison with the Platinum Rule.

(2) The Golden Rule is ‘self-centric’ while the Platinum Rule is ‘other-centric’ and compassion is all about the other. The Platinum Rule is learning about “the other” and doing for them what “they would want done to them” based on their unique values and tastes. You can’t get too more focused on the other! As George Bernard Shaw said: “Do not do unto others as you would expect they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same.” In contrast, followers of the Golden Rule don’t require any learning about another’s “wants” or tastes because their actions are based entirely on their own perception of how to solve a problem.

(3) The Golden Rule is dogmatic; it never questions the source of how to act—the follower’s own beliefs. E. E. Cummings was right when he wrote “Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.” While actions based on the Platinum Rule are born of a question (i.e., what would another want done to them?) and therefore makes the people who follow it more open minded, actions based on the former rule are exclusively born out of the follower’s own beliefs thereby making them, in essence, Golden Rulers (they never question the source of their actions).

My hope in writing this piece is that we engage with each other more often and deeply about how to live a life that is good. With our society’s growing levels of incivility and distrust over the last couple of years, we could use a few more discussions and debates about how to live a good life.
Although I believe that a Platinum Person has the edge when it comes to compassion, we could take Occam’s Razor to both rules and make a more direct and simple edict…the Emerald Edict: Do unto others compassion.

August 26, 2018

Psychology Today Interview on Compassion & Success

Could Compassion Fuel Your Success?

I gave two talks this month to two different sets of educators about the role that compassion can play in increasing student learning at any academic level. One set of educators were college professors and staff in Michigan and the other set included K-12 teachers, social workers, school psychologists, and administrators in Rhode Island. While our conversations in both groups focused on how compassion builds successful learning environments for our students, we also discussed the importance that compassion has in building a positive and productive workplace culture for ourselves and our colleagues. Earlier this year, I was interviewed by the host of “Making Positive Psychology Work Podcast” and Psychology Today correspondent Michelle McQuaid specifically about the connection between workplace success and compassion. With many of us ending our summer vacations and heading back to work, I thought it was an appropriate time to share Michelle’s piece in Psychology Today as well as the link to our podcast interview:

Could Compassion Fuel Your Success?

An interview with Chris Kukk.

Posted Apr 19, 2018

istock
Source: istock

Do you ever wonder if being too kind could be holding you back from success? Let’s face it: It’s a competitive ‘survival of the fittest’ world. So, could being too understanding and considerate of others leave you standing at the bottom of the career ladder watching others climb to the top?

“Success is often associated with the individualistic idea of only looking out for number one,” explained Chris Kukk, Professor of Political Science and Social Science at Western Connecticut State University and author of The Compassionate Achiever, when I interviewed him recently. “However, even Darwin suggested that the most efficient and effective species have the highest number of sympathetic members.”

Chris suggests that rather than compassion standing in the way, it can actually fuel your success.  For example, a number of studies have found that compassion not only helps to build your resilience and improve your physical health, but it’s also a consistent characteristic of successful and resilient people. As a result when your organization has a compassionate culture you’re more likely to be engaged, be innovative, collaborate with others, and perform at your best.

Chris also points out that while compassion is often confused with empathy, they’re not the same neurologically or practically. For example, when you experience empathy, you understand what the other person is feeling, so if they’re upset or down, you feel sad, and this triggers the same neuralpathways as if you are in pain. Unfortunately, over time this can drain your energy and motivation. On the other hand, when you show compassion, you experience feelings of warmth, concern, and care for other’s suffering, and you’re motivated to take action to solve their problems or improve their wellbeing. This triggers the release of the same types of chemicals that come with feelings of loveoxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, that can help you feel optimistic, positive, and primed for achievement.

“You can think of compassion as the Cadillac version of kindness,” explained Chris. “And it can power you along to achieving a life you’re proud of, much more effectively than any short-lived bursts of energy you may get from other motivators of success such as power or money.”

How can you develop more compassion at work?

Chris has developed a four-step program for cultivating compassion. This is represented by the acronym L-U-C-A: Listen to learn; Understand to know; Connect to capabilities; and Act to solve.

  • Listen to learn. It’s easy to get caught in the trap of just listening to reply.  Listening to learn involves giving someone your full attention, asking questions that strengthen your learning, being comfortable with and appreciating the silences rather than jumping in and trying to finish other’s sentences.  You can learn a lot about what a person is thinking during the silence. Notice their eyes and their body language.  For example, if they’re twitching in their seat or noticing where they look when you ask a question, can help you get clarification on what they are saying.
  • Understand to know. While you may be good at getting the facts you then need to connect these in ways that can help you know what you need to do to respond. When you start connecting the things that people say and putting this in context, you can see things in a broader, more holistic and deeper way. Chris suggests that one way to develop these two skills is to listen to a podcast or radio show by somebody who you know you totally disagree with.  Listen all the way through and look for some nugget of truth and understanding in it.  And doing this with others in your team, can help you get to know them better, and build trust.
  • Connect to capabilities. Sometimes you may have some of the answers to help somebody, but other times you may not, but your networks do.  Look outside yourself to find the people or organizations that can help others overcome their problems.
  • Act to solve. Doing whatever you can practically do to take care of someone.  Paradoxically this can sometimes mean purposely not doing something to help somebody along.  By stepping back so that they can step up allows them to learn responsibility and resilience in the face of challenges.

What can you do to nurture more compassion in your workplace?

Click here for the original Psychology Today article.

Click here for the “Making Positive Psychology Work Podcast” interview.

May 30, 2017

Family Style Book Review of The Compassionate Achiever (by Sandra Bourland)

Book Review of The Compassionate Achiever
by Sandra Bourland

“Compassion grows when we talk less and listen more.”

Talk about a wake up call.  When I began reading the book I was worried that I wouldn’t find it interesting.  I’ll be honest, I’m not much of a fan of non fiction books, self help etc.  I find them boring, I find the material dry and I lose interest pretty fast.

But that one sentence above stopped me dead in my tracks.  Funny enough I was watching an episode of Dr Phil where he told one of his guests, that if you immediately reply to someone, or cut them off while they’re speaking, then you weren’t listening at all, you weren’t even trying to understand what they were saying because you were too busy formulating a response to them.

GUILTY!!!!

Not of doing it all the time, but there have certainly been many instances where I acted this exact way.

The Compassionate Achiever goes right to the core of the issue, it provides practical ways in which we can learn to be compassionate even when we’re not in a compassionate state of mind.  The author calls it “taking a WIRL (walk, imagine, read and listen).”   Boy did that smack me right in the face.

I couldn’t put the book down because I realized that I learned so much about the way I interact with family and friends, what I’m doing right, what I’m doing wrong, and what I can learn to do better.  Life would be so much easier if we all became more compassionate towards others, and to do that we have to reach inside ourselves and start with US.

What a wonderful concept.  I can’t wait to implement some of these ideas into my own life and see how it changes everything around me 🙂

Original review can be found at the Diary of a Stay at Home Mom.

May 25, 2017

When Compassion Gets Lost in Translation…America Weakens

When Compassion Gets Lost in Translation…
America Weakens

Every society has certain books that help define—in broad terms—their cultural identity. Some include holy books such as “The Koran” and/or epic stories such as “The Odyssey” and American society is no different. The United States has a holy book (“The Bible”), a secular book (“On the Origin of Species”), and a founding document (“The Constitution”) that altogether help define American culture. One problem (other than the fact that some will inevitably disagree with my book/document choices) is that we misread important sections of each work in ways that demean others thereby weakening ourselves.

The Good Book—The standard way of reading the biblical story of Adam and Eve, and the way I was taught in Sunday school, has been that Eve was subservient to Adam because she was made from one of his ribs (the “Second Story of Creation” in Genesis 2:21-23). This gets translated into a large segment of American society believing that men are ‘first and foremost’ relative to women not only in the eyes of God but also in the daily lives that we lead. This erroneous translation has had negative practical effects (i.e., women get paid only 80 cents for every dollar earned by men) and horrific consequences: one study calculated that the number of women killed by a male partner between 2001 and 2012 was “nearly double” the number of American soldiers lost during the same time period in both Afghanistan and Iraq. It’s a misreading of “The Good Book” because it emphasizes the “Second Story” over the “First Story of Creation” where it shows that Adam and Eve were created simultaneously on equal ground (Genesis 1:26-28). “The Bible,” like many holy books, is filled with contradictory stories but shouldn’t we emphasize the stories that promote respect and compassion for one another instead of those that appear to highlight the judging and subservience of others?

The Survival Guide—In the late 19th Century there was, as Randall Fuller spotlights in the title of his new manuscript, a “Book that Changed America.” It was Charles Darwin’s “On the Origin of Species.” By the early 20th Century, according to Fuller, “Darwinian theory had become an indisputable aspect of American cultural life…it provided an ordering principle for a society that seemed to grow more complex each year.” We translate Darwin’s hypothesis into American society by emphasizing self-interest over all else and by following euphemisms such as “if you want to be number one, you have to look out for number one.” The irony is that Darwin did not only NOT coin the term “survival of the fittest” but he argued against the idea in research he later conducted to try and prove his thoughts in “Origin.” Darwin would later write in “The Descent of Man” that “it hardly seems probable that the number of men gifted with such virtues as bravery and sympathy…could be increased through natural selection, that is, by survival of the fittest…I perhaps attributed too much to the action of natural selection or the survival of the fittest.” He actually wrote in support of a “survival of the kindest” theory: “Those communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best and rear the greatest number of offspring.” Shouldn’t we read what Darwin actually discovered in his research and not simply what he hypothesized about? We have misread Darwin’s initial hypothesis as an answer for how to “order society” that he, himself, did not agree with when he concluded his research. A consequence of such misreading is that we are building a society on the misguided notion that you can be either successful OR someone who helps others…and American children are learning this all too well. A 2014 Harvard Graduate School of Education study of 10,000 middle- and high-school students found that “almost 80 percent” said that their parents and teachers taught them that their personal “high achievement or happiness” were more important than “caring for others.” Do we really want to construct and live in a society of self-absorbed achievers?

The Founding Document—President Trump has consistently made the argument that children born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are not American citizens. There is a ‘slight’ problem with the President’s reading of “The Constitution” and that would be the 14th Amendment, which says: “All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside.” One consequence of interpreting or ignoring the 14th Amendment is that it betrays who we are as a country: a country of immigrants and a beacon of compassion and hope for the “tired, poor, and huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” The Prime Minister of Ireland, Mr. Enda Kenny, said it best this past Saint Patrick’s day with President Trump at his side: “Saint Patrick was an immigrant, patron saint of Ireland and for many people around the globe he’s also a symbol of, indeed the patron of, immigrants…Ireland came to America because…we believed in the shelter of America, in the compassion of America, in the opportunity of America.” To misread the words of the 14th Amendment so that it divides naturally born Americans not only weakens our country but also demeans its legacy and the people who built it.

When we disrespect others because we misread the books that we believe define who we think we are as a people, we are at least ten to twelve chapters deep into our own “Paradise Lost.” If we misread and do not take the time to carefully reflect upon the great books and documents that we use to “order society,” our policy choices will seemingly appear to be always stuck between Scylla and Charybdis. America has successfully navigated its way through history, as Mr. Kenny reminded us, by following its own beacon of hope and compassion. It’s time that we not only follow that beacon again but also use its light to reread the blueprints of how and why our ship was built.

NOTE: This article originally appeared in Thrive Global.

May 8, 2017

Compassionate Achiever Book Review by Jen Forbus

Book Review :: The Compassionate Achiever

by Jen Forbus

have to apologize. I was supposed to get this review posted last week and was on track to do just that, then everything got overwhelming. So, a little late, but hopefully still doing it the justice it deserves, I present to you The Compassionate Achiever: How Helping Others Fuels Success by Christopher L. Kukk.

First line: “My wife, Elly, and I were on an elevated train traveling home after spending the day in Boston, when a loud blast fractured the silence of the car.”

The Compassionate AchieverUsing a slew of science combined with a hearty dose of anecdotes and topped with a smidgen of analytical thinking, Dr. Christopher Kukk illustrates how the old adage, “look out for number one” is not really the secret to success. Instead, individuals need to be compassionate achievers if they hope to sustain meaningful success. By practicing compassion people will see more constructive relationships, improved intelligence, and increased resiliency.

Kukk makes it a point to emphasize that when he talks about practicing compassion, “recognizing a problem or caring about another’s pain and making a commitment to help, he isn’t saying they should become door mats. It’s possible to have compassion without sacrificing yourself in the process.

Kukk has devised a four-step process to cultivate the compassion he defines and illustrates in part one of the book. Part two breaks down the four steps: Listen to Learn, Understand to Know, Connect to Capabilities and Act to Solve. And the final section of the book highlights the ripple effect of one’s work from Part 2.

Kukk’s obvious passion for his compassion plan is contagious. It’s motivating and hopeful. His positive presentation of the content will invigorate readers to give it a try in their own lives and be more cognizant of the behaviors that hinder it. He explains that “Compassion, like love, is a positive-sum game: by giving more, you get more. Your compassion reserves can never be depleted within you.” And Kukk offers ideas for how his audience can work on the skills necessary to master the steps of compassion.

The analogies and simple daily behaviors that Kukk offers makes becoming a compassionate achiever seem attainable for anyone if they open themselves up to the concept. The rewards are plentiful both intrinsically and extrinsically. It’s had a powerful effect on me, and I feel as though our current political climate and it’s trickle-down effect make this the perfect time for people to be picking up The Compassionate Achiever.  It really should be required reading for everyone.

Goodreads - Brown Dog Solutions

My review today of The Compassionate Achiever is part of the TLC blog tour. You can discover what other bloggers are saying about it by checking out the complete tour schedule here.

Original review can be found here: Brown Dog Solutions
April 24, 2017

The Algorithm of Compassion

rise-of-the-algorithm

Algorithms shape our lives in multiple ways every day from what we can buy at the grocery store to where and when we can travel on an airplane. They’re used to manage everything from determining stock sales and purchases to matching organ donors and recipients and they have all ‘sorts’ of names: bubble sort, bucket sort, and mergesort. They are mathematical equations used by machines to help people solve problems and bring a semblance of order to our everyday lives.

The programs, formulas, and sets of steps we—humans—sometimes try to follow to better ourselves and our relationships are also considered algorithms. Many of us look for steps, for example, that we can take to become physically stronger and/or intellectually sharper whether it’s following a specific diet or learning technique. We look to such programs to help us solve personal problems but they have a major weakness: they are almost exclusively focused inward. It’s a weakness because many sources of our personal problems also involve interpersonal relationships or, in other words, outward dynamics. To be human, after all, is relational…a person is defined by the interactions of both our inner and outer worlds.

We are shaped by not only our personal thoughts and beliefs but also our interpersonal experiences and actions. Our inner and outer beings are the co-authors of the music and rhythms that our lives dance to. Whether we find ourselves in a place surrounded with love or surrounded without love makes a difference in how we live our lives. Aren’t you more likely to have confidence moving forward through life if you felt “surrounded” in a protective, caring sense as compared to feeling that you are “surrounded” by nothing but lonely emptiness? All ideas and programs used to help us succeed in any aspect of life should be based on creating and maintaining an inner-outer balance.

We are born with a natural algorithm for succeeding in life, according to Jean Jacques Rousseau and Charles Darwin, that many of us unlearn as we interact in society: compassion. Darwin even called compassion “the almost ever-present instinct.” We unlearn it because society teaches that it is not important and even a sign of weakness. Think of what children learn in playground games such as “king of the hill” and “kill the carrier” (I won’t even get into video games). Do we really believe, as a society, that a rewarding life is based on the idea of attaining personal achievements at the expense of others? Practicing compassion helps to strengthen both our inner-personal and interpersonal lives and it can be relearned by following the algorithm of compassion: LUCA=listen+understand+connect+act.

Listen to learn. Listening to learn involves noticing the spoken as well as unspoken signs of communication. It’s about having focused attention, a willingness to explore a problem with another through questions, and the patience to find meaning in silence. It’s when your ears, eyes, and mind converge in devotion to hearing someone talk. When you listen to learn from someone instead of listening to reply to them, you open yourself to understanding rather than arguing.

Understand to know. Understanding to know is about trying to complete a 360 degrees search for comprehension. It’s focused on acquiring a holistic understanding of a person (i.e., their beliefs, feelings, mindset) and their problem so that you can provide options for how to help. Your goal is to strengthen your comprehension of a situation by turning facts into concepts and perspectives into awareness so that you generate multiple solutions to any one problem. It’s about connecting various types of information you’ve learned into a coherent whole…think of it as turning bits and pieces of information into a mosaic of understanding. Being able to make and identify connections between facts (turning factual knowledge into conceptual knowledge) enables you to assess the resources or capabilities you will need to effectively address a problem or challenge.

Connect to capabilities. Once you understand how to help, you need to be able to find resources that can help. Sometimes it’s you that is the resource but in other instances help is somewhere and someone else. You increase your potential to connect to capabilities the more you are open to: shifting your opinion or perspective about a problem and person, looking for resources hidden in plain sight, and diversifying your social networks. Connecting to capabilities generates options for effective action.

Act to solve. Acting to solve includes both action and inaction. Helping someone requires that you find ways to overcome the fear or reluctance to act. It involves developing a hybrid sense of responsibility and resilience as well as an understanding that inaction—however paradoxical it may seem—is sometimes the best course to follow in solving a problem. Think of the doctor who prescribes rest over pills or treatment in some cases. Taking action (both in doing and purposeful nondoing) is what differentiates compassion from other values such as empathy and sympathy.

Compassion is defined as a holistic understanding of a problem or the suffering of another with a commitment to act to solve the problem or alleviate the suffering. When we live a compassionate life, the lives buzzing around and within us start to sync because we are helping ourselves as we are helping others. Following LUCA provides a way to simultaneously plug into our inner and outer worlds so that they are not only in sync but also in harmony.

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